  Stacie
Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone are three wives, mothers
and good friends, all muddling through the early parenting years
together, who couldn’t find the humorous, down-to-earth book
they needed to help them make sense of their post-baby married
lives. They couldn’t find it, so they wrote the book they wanted
to read and now have written this no-nonsense article for
readers of MetroplexBaby.com and our partner,
BigCityMoms.com. Moms and dads, here's
HOW TO BABYPROOF
YOUR MARRIAGE
There is no doubt that
our children are our greatest joy and that we love being parents
more than anything in the world. But parenting little ones can
be pretty tough on a marriage. Are you and your spouse enduring
the inevitable challenges of early parenthood? Do you see things
differently now that you have kids? Are you keeping score over
the division of labor? Has managing the demands of the in-laws
and outlaws become a bit of a challenge? What about activity in
the bedroom? Has it come to a grinding (sorry) halt?
It might be time to
Babyproof Your Marriage and take some simple, but wildly
effective, actions to make sure that being parents doesn’t mean
sacrificing being a couple. Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and
Julia Stone, co-authors of the bestselling book,
Babyproofing Your Marriage, share their top tips for
preserving your coupledom after you have kids:
|
1. |
Realize You Are not Alone:
Relationship hiccups are completely normal when you’re
parenting small kids. So don’t panic! Most couples no matter
how happy and secure their relationship may be, find the
early parenting years a challenge.
Chances are, any
arguments you’re having with your husband are the same
arguments being played out in thousands of homes across
America! The realization that these issues are universal,
rather than personal, can change how you deal with it. “Why
are you doing this to me?" becomes “What are we going to do
about it?”
|
|
2. |
Accept the Great
Mom/Dad Divide. Men and women react to parenthood in
different ways. We’re wired differently. Moms can get
compulsive as a Mommy Chip kicks in causing us to
focus on caring for offspring to the exclusion of all else.
Meanwhile many dads develop Provider Panic,
especially if they’re the sole breadwinners. Often this
means they don’t seem to notice whose turn it is to do the
dishes. These not-always-complementary instincts can set the
stage for some serious marital conflict. Dad thinks his wife
has turned into a control freak. Mom thinks her husband just
doesn’t get it. It’s important to be aware of your own
parenting instincts and realize that occasionally, you may
have to keep those instincts in check a little bit. It also
helps to hold your nose and occasionally ignore a few of
your partner’s incomprehensible actions.
|
|
3. |
Get Some Sleep. Sleep deprivation
can become a way of life.
It can turn the sanest of women into bottle-wielding shrews,
reduce grown men to tears, and cause both of you to turn marital
molehills into mountains. Don’t underestimate the impact that
sleep deprivation can have on your relationship. Your ability to
deal with everyday stresses and your partner’s
formerly-endearing quirks, gets dangerously low when you’re
trying to get by on a wing and a prayer and a thirty-minute nap.
Help each other get enough sleep. Resist the urge to play
Midnight Chicken -- you know, the late night battle of wills
where each parent pretends to be asleep and blissfully unaware
of the screaming down the hall, in the hopes that their other
half will get up and tend to the crying baby. Split up the night
(for example, Dad does feedings until midnight, Mom goes to bed
early and gets up after that) so that both of you get a solid
block of sleep. Occasionally, take turns doing all-night baby
duty and give your partner the ultimate gift - an entire
uninterrupted 8 hours of shut-eye.
|
|
4. |
Try a Training Weekend.
If you think you have a husband who ‘just doesn’t get it,’ try
this foolproof method to get him engaged: take off for 48 hours
and let him man the kid and house ropes on his own. No backup.
No dialing 1-800-Grandma. You’ll catch a break and he’ll gain
new respect for what it takes to care for a baby. This technique
will also let him bond with the baby on his own terms. A lot of
guys complain that they’re relegated to the powerless
role of Assistant Mom. When you hand over the reins, your
husband gets a chance to be the father he wants to be.
Have Training Weekends
early and as often as the baby changes and enters new phases. A
little continuing education is always a good idea, for both of
you.
|
|
5. |
Stop Keeping
Score. With a baby in the house the workload explodes.
It’s hardly surprising that most of us start arguing with
our partner over who has it tougher. “I did seven loads
of laundry and you didn’t do any.” “Yeah, well I did all the
cooking last week ..” You both end up feeling resentful
and unappreciated. It’s a tit for tat war that no one wins.
Rip up the scorecards, hand in your Martyr Badges and
Divide and Conquer. Make a list of everything that
must be done, from nightly bath duty to earning a living and
divvy it up.
|
|
6. |
Remember The Three A’s: Appreciation, Acknowledgement and
Affirmation.
Just pick one and run with it. Saying "good job" won't kill you.
Most people are simply looking for a little validation. They’ll
happily run that extra errand, wash that extra load, or work
that extra hour if they know their effort is appreciated, rather
than taken for granted. So instead of saying, “You put the
baby's dress on backwards,” try, “You’re a great Dad,"
and see what happens.
|
|
7. |
Manage the
In-Laws: Everyone wants a piece of the kid action. As a
couple we can find ourselves in a Family Tug of War
as parents and in-laws jockey for top billing. But when
Grannies grab and family members overstep the mark we need
to make it clear to them that our partner comes first.
Establish the Pecking Order and create appropriate
boundaries. And if you’re a Daddy’s Girl or Mama’s
Boy it’s time to Cut the Cord and put on your
grown-up shoes once and for all.
|
|
8. |
Bridge
the Sex Gap. Most
couples with young children experience a disconnect in the
bedroom. A woman’s sex drive often goes MIA. Most men,
however, want sex just as much as they always have, baby or
no baby. Try to reach across the gap. Guys need to pay
attention to romance and stop the Ten O’Clock Shoulder
Tap. Girls should try to reacquaint themselves with
the girl they used to be. Try a “dad on duty night” and
relax with a bath and/or glass of wine. You’ll be a lot more
receptive to the idea of sex if you’ve had a chance to get
out of Mommy Mode.
|
|
9. |
Help Each Other
Have It All: Naturally, your free time gets squeezed
when you become a parent. But it’s more important than ever
to do the things that recharge you. When we don’t have a
little time to ourselves, we start to feel worn out and we
can become damn difficult to live with. You don’t both have
to be ON all the time. Figure out an off-leash strategy
with your partner. For example, he takes the kids on
Saturday morning while you go to yoga, and you do the same
for him on Sunday so he can get in a jog. Give each other
some Get Out of Jail Free Cards on a regular basis.
|
|
10. |
Make Time for Each Other. Try not
to let your adult relationship be defined solely by being
parents. Put a little distance between yourselves and the
kids. Start with the local pizza place and work your way up
to a weekend away. Your relationship is the lynchpin of the
whole family. Where there’s a healthy marriage, there are
happy kids.
|
For more on Babyproofing Your Marriage, go to
www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com. |
